Trusting Mr Wrong.
我遭遇了渣男。
I was 27 when I fell in love, hard, for the first time. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I was always the ‘nerd’ with her nose buried in the middle of a book. Then this guy at work started courting me (in the Philippines, we still do courtship). He swept me off my feet and after 4 months we were officially together. After another 2 months I lost my virginity to him.
我27歲的時候第一次墜入了愛河。我以前從沒談過戀愛。我一直是個埋頭看書的書呆子。然後有個同事開始向我求愛(在菲律賓，我們現在還有“求愛”這一環節)。他讓我神魂顛倒，四個月後我們正式在一起了。又過了兩個月，我把第一次給了他。
He never once used a condom because he doesn’t like the feeling so it was up to me to manage not getting pregnant the natural way. I never thought of getting some form of protection for myself when there are already so many options from pills to injectables. Then one night, I KNEW it was not safe if we do it because the risk is too high. But he begged me and I gave in. And I was right. First week of August 2014, I took my first ever pregnancy test and with trembling fingers, found out I’m pregnant.
他從未使用過避孕套，因為他不喜歡這種感覺，所以避孕的任務就落到我頭上。從藥片到注射，已經有這麼多的選擇了，我從來沒有想過要為自己提供某種形式的保護。然後有一天晚上，我明知道這樣做是不安全的，因為風險太高了。但他求我了，我讓步了。我的感覺是對的。2014年8月的第一週，我做了第一次驗孕，手指顫抖著，我發現自己懷孕了。
I called him and told him the news. He said he’s happy and I was relieved. Somehow we’ll weather this, I thought to myself. Throughout my first trimester, it was just a roller coaster. One time he suggested abortion. I asked him why he would suggest that? He said it seems I’m not ready to be a mother. And I thought: Really, asshat? You’re the one who has become non-existent and unsupportive. Just because I’m crying all the time because of hormones it means I don’t want to be or am not ready to be a mother? I ignored that red flag. I ignored a lot of things.
我打電話告訴他這個訊息。他說他很高興，我也鬆了一口氣。無論如何我們會挺過去的，我心想。整個前三個月，我的生活就像坐過山車一樣。有一次他建議墮胎。我問他為什麼這麼說?他說我還沒準備好當媽媽。我想:真的嗎，混蛋?你是那個對我來說已經不存在的、不支援我的人。就因為我一直因為荷爾蒙變化而哭泣就意味著我不想或者還沒準備好當媽媽嗎?我當時忽略了那個危險訊號。我忽略了很多事情。
At 37 weeks, I went into labor. I called him and told him this. He won’t believe me and thought it’s not possible to go into labor before 40 weeks! What a douche! He won’t come and take me to the hospital. I was embarrassed that I had to call my mom and she had to travel 2 hours just to pick me up. After 16 gruelling hours, my daughter was born via C-section. I remember exactly when the doctor placed her on my chest right after she was taken out of me (I was fully awake, felt my belly being sewn back together! Yikes!). The doctors all exclaimed that she has a beautiful nose. They called it matangos which means she has a more western nose than most babies. One doctor even looked at my face to see if she got the nose from me.
37周時，我開始分娩。我打電話告訴他了。他不相信我，認為不可能在40周之前分娩!這個臭流氓!他不會來送我去醫院的。我不得不打電話給我媽媽，她不得不花兩個小時來接我，這讓我很尷尬。經過16個小時的煎熬，我的女兒透過剖腹產出生了。我清楚地記得醫生把她放在我的胸部，就在她被取出我的身體之後(我完全清醒，感覺到我的腹部被縫合在一起!)天呀! !)醫生們都說她的鼻子很漂亮。他們叫它matangos，意思是相對其他很多寶寶來說她的鼻子更像西方人。
We stayed in the hospital for 3 days but the biological father never came. He had so many excuses. After that I went home with my parents. He visited only twice, first when my daughter was a month old and second when she was two months old. Despite all, I stayed connected with him and tried to understand all his excuses. He never provided for us, after 2.5 months I went directly back to work. I traveled 5 hours a day. I got home at 10pm and many nights I never slept because she was a difficult baby. She cried constantly and woke up every 2 hours until she was 8 months old. I gained a lot of weight, I stopped taking care of myself. Many times I wanted to die, while holding her and trying to stop her from crying at night. Every day was a struggle. And I had no one beside me to comfort me.
我們在醫院呆了3天，但孩子的生父一直沒有來。他有很多借口。之後我和父母一起回家。他只來過兩次，第一次是我女兒一個月大的時候，第二次是她兩個月大的時候。儘管如此，我還是和他保持聯絡，並試圖理解他所有的藉口。兩個半月後，我直接回去工作了。我每天通勤5個小時，晚上10點才到家，很多個晚上我都睡不著，因為她是個難纏的孩子。她不停地哭，每兩個小時醒來一次，直到8個月大。我胖了很多，不再關注自己。很多個夜裡，當我抱著她，試著不讓她在夜裡哭的時候，我都想死。每一天都是一場掙扎。我身邊沒有人安慰我。
After 2 years of waiting for Mr Wrong, I decided I deserve better. My daughter deserves better. We don’t need baggage, we don’t need him in our lives. So I cut him off, stopped communicating. And today it’s been almost a year and I’ve proven that he never really cared enough for us - he never reached out once even though he knows where we are.
在等了那個負心漢兩年之後，我決定我應該得到更好的。我女兒應該過得更好。我們不需要包袱，我們的生活也不需要他。所以我和他斷了聯絡，不再溝通。現在已經快一年了，我證明了他從來沒有真正關心過我們——即使他知道我們在哪裡，他也從來沒有聯絡過我們。
My last words to him, sent through a text message: I forgive you. Thank you for my Hannah. (I named my daughter Hannah which means grace in Hebrew.. her other name Freyja is more suitable for her though he he)
And we’ve never looked back since then.
從那以後，我們再也沒有回頭找過他。
Hannah Freyja at 2 months old. Chubby bunny!Hannah Freyja兩個月大。胖胖的小兔子!
June 2018; on our way to the playground2018年6月;在我們去操場的路上
She’s now 3 going on 30. I swear every day she surprises me. She is precocious, very active, very sociable and loves singing just like her mom. She brings joy to all our lives - especially her MommyLa (my mom) and DaddyLo (my dad) and Nanay (my grandma).
她現在3歲，我快30歲了。我發誓她每天都給我驚喜。她很早熟，很活躍，很善於交際，和她媽媽一樣喜歡唱歌。她給我們所有人的生活都帶來了快樂——尤其是她的姥姥(我媽媽)、姥爺(我爸爸)和奶奶(我的祖母)。
No matter how many times I look back, I can never regret trusting Mr Wrong. If it weren’t for that biggest mistake, I wouldn’t have my greatest blessing. My daughter turned my life around. She inspires me everyday to be the best version of myself, to be patient, to be kind, to be positive even when things look so bleak. I can’t wait to see what we will accomplish together.
不管我回首多少次，我都不會後悔相信了那個錯的人。如果不是因為那個最大的錯誤，我也不會得到我最大的祝福。我女兒改變了我的人生。她每天都激勵我做最好的自己，要有耐心，要善良，即使事情看起來很慘淡也要積極向上。我迫不及待地想看到我們一起將會取得什麼樣的成就。
2018年7月;在我們慣常的摔跤比賽中她打敗了我之後
2020年1月
She has started school and loves to draw photos and give them as gifts to everyone. She’s a 100% extrovert and full of energy.
她開始上學了，喜歡畫畫，並把它們作為禮物送給每個人。她是一個百分之百外向且充滿活力的人。
That’s my grandma at the back who adores her great-granddaughter so so much.
坐在後面的是我奶奶她非常非常喜歡她的曾孫女。