“我就是這樣的人，我改不了了。”“他應該xxxxx的啊”“冊那，碰到這種事我真TM倒黴！”“怎麼什麼都在和我作對？”…………

心理不靈活，個人災難與感情失敗終極之因

Thousands of independent studies make it clear that suffering is often the result of something called psychological inflexibility. This may sound complex, but it means that your mind adjusts in maladaptive ways to life’s challenges. You take short term gains at the cost of long term pains.

數千個獨立的研究都表明，痛苦，通常是一種叫做“心理不靈活”的因素所導致。這聽起來似乎很複雜，但它的意思是，你的大腦對生活的挑戰適應不良。你以長期的痛苦為代價，來獲取短期收益。

When you are psychologically inflexible, you get stuck on fears, worries, and self-doubts – and then judge yourself for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place. Instead of living by your better intentions, you get sucked in by moods, thoughts, and momentary urges, making you act in ways detrimental to your health and well-being. More and more, you live life on automatic pilot, while life is passing you by.

當你心理不靈活時，你耽於恐懼、憂慮和自我質疑之中，而且然後會因為有這些想法和感受而批判自己。這樣，你就無法按照自己本來更好的意願去生活，而是被吸入情緒、念頭、暫時慾望之中，做出有損於自身健康與幸福的行為。長此以往，你失去了對生活的控制，人生就這樣流逝。

Psychological inflexibility is a recipe for personal disaster, which is why it’s causing and facilitating many ailments of the mind – from anxiety to depression and even addiction. And unfortunately, the harm doesn’t stop there. In a new, large, and well-done meta-analysis (a study that statistically summarizes many studies) psychologists Daks and Rogge from the University of Rochester examined the links between psychological inflexibility and romantic relationships. They asked, if a person is psychologically inflexible, how might it affect the relationship with their significant other? Well, as it turns out, the answer is bad.

心理不靈活，是個人災難之因，這也是為什麼它會導致和惡化種種精神疾病——從焦慮到抑鬱，甚至癮症。而且，不幸的是，這些傷害並不止於此。透過一次全新而完善的大規模元分析（對多項研究資料進行總結研究）中，羅徹斯特大學心理學家 Daks 和 Rogge研究了心理不靈活與愛情關係之間的聯絡。他們想要知道，如果一個人心理不靈活，可能會對其愛情關係有何影響？根據研究結果，影響重大。

People who are psychologically inflexible not only experience more distress and suffering, they also experience less satisfaction in their relationship. They are less satisfied with their sex life and show less emotional supportiveness towards their partner. Naturally, their partner doesn't get much satisfaction out of the relationship either. People who are psychologically inflexible are more likely to act in destructive and abusive ways – from yelling, insulting, pushing, slapping, and abusing their partner. And ultimately, they are more likely to feel insecure in their relationship and struggle to build a close bond with their partner.

心理不靈活之人不僅會感受到更多的痛苦和折磨，而且在感情中的滿意度也更低。他們對性愛生活的滿意度更低，而且對另一半所顯示出的精神支援也更少。自然而然，對方也沒有在這段感情關係中獲得很高的滿意度。心理不靈活之人更可能表現出摧毀型和虐待型行為——從大吼、侮辱、推搡、掌摑到虐待對方。最終，他們更可能在這段感情中感到無安全感，並且很難與對方建立親密關係。

In short, psychological inflexibility not only invites suffering and mental anguish to a person’s own life – it may also poison their relationship with their significant other. The reason why many romantic relationships fail is that one or both partners is, or becomes, psychologically inflexible. Instead of being present with their partner and themselves, by paying attention to their partner’s emotional world and their own deeper needs, they defend. Instead of actively engaging in difficult (but necessary) conversations, they avoid them, or resort to blaming, insulting, and yelling. They fail to set priorities for the relationship, fail to make time for tending, and fail to use setbacks and challenges as opportunities for growth.

簡而言之，心理不靈活不僅會招致一個人自己生活中的更多折磨與精神痛苦，它也可能會毒害與另一半的感情關係。很多愛情關係之所以失敗，其原因正是在於，一方或雙方心理不靈活，或變得心理不靈活。他們並沒有真正意義上“與對方同在”，關注對方的情感世界，關注他們自身的更深層需求，而是採取防禦。他們並沒有主動參與一些棘手（但必需的）的談話，而是選擇逃避，或者採取指責、侮辱和惡語相向的方式。他們不知道這段感情什麼應該最優先，他們沒有抽時間去經營維護，他們沒有將挫折和挑戰視為成長的機會。

It doesn’t have to be this way.

但感情並非一定要這樣。

Psychological inflexibility is not a birth defect. It’s not something you either have or you don’t, and if you have it, you are in bad luck. Instead, it’s a way of acting that can be disrupted. People can learn to practice flexibility skills, so they not only become mentally stronger as individuals but also more satisfied and secure inside their romantic relationships. There are already studies examining the effectiveness of training couples in flexibility skills using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or related methods.

心理不靈活並非先天缺陷，並非與生俱來。它是一種可以被改正的行為方式。人們可以學著練習靈活技巧，讓自己不僅個體心理更強大，而且在愛情關係中得到更高的滿意度和安全感。現在已經有一些針對用ACT（接納與承諾療法）療法和相關方方法訓練夫妻心理靈活度的有效性所開展的研究。

Psychological flexibility is a set of skills. And if you learn them well and apply, you not only empower yourself to become happier and better adjusted but also might just empower your relationship.

心理靈活性包含一系列技能。如果你充分學習並付諸實踐，你不僅可以讓自己更幸福、更具有適應性，同時也會改善你們的愛情關係。

認知不靈活，人類一大短板

Adapt, pivot, innovate. These traits are often associated with great leaders, entrepreneurs, and inventors—not bumblebees, rats, ravens, rhesus macaques, and chimpanzees (to name just a few). There is a common thread that ties them all together, however, and it is called cognitive flexibility.

適應、改變、創新。這些特徵通常見諸優秀領導者、企業家和發明家身上——而非大黃蜂、老鼠、烏鴉、恆河猴和大猩猩（僅舉數例）身上。但所有這些動物和人類，都有一個共同點，即，認知靈活性。

Despite this similarity, there is one major difference. A greater proportion of individuals within those species appear to have an abundance of cognitive flexibility compared to humans. Before exploring what we can do about it, let me first explain what cognitive flexibility is, describe how other species demonstrate this behavior, and discuss why exhibiting this behavior is advantageous.

儘管有這一相似點，但也有一個顯著區別。這些動物中的大部分個體都似乎擁有比人類更高的認知靈活性。在繼續探討這一問題之前，首先讓我解釋一下什麼叫做認知靈活性，以及其他物種如何表現出這一特徵，以及這一行為特徵為何是有優勢的。

Broadly speaking, cognitive flexibility is about moving between different tasks simultaneously, applying concepts from one context toward solving a problem in another unrelated or new situation. It’s also about evaluating strategies and generating novel solutions. This ability is generally considered part of the executive function of the brain.

寬泛而言，認知靈活性，是指在同時開展的不同任務之間自由切換、能夠舉一反三。能夠評估策略，想出新穎解決方案。這一能力普遍被認為屬於大腦執行功能的一部分。

How do we know that other species have it and demonstrate it to a higher degree? We can turn to a recent study by Watzek et al. (2019) for some answers. They designed a simple, yet elegant, project designed to compare the levels of cognitive complacency (laziness) of capuchin monkeys and rhesus monkeys with that of humans. Before describing the results, I should warn you that capuchin monkeys are true innovators. They are notorious for generating novel solutions, behaviors, and cultural practices. Some, such as poking each other in the eye as a test of faith and potentially friendship, are perhaps less than spectacular, but nevertheless, avant-garde. You can watch videos of this and other “traditions” on the Capuchin Traditions website.

我們如何得知其他物種也擁有這一能力，並且甚至表現出更高水平呢？從 Watzek等人（2019）開展的一項研究中，我們可以找到一些答案。他們設計了一個簡單但完善的專案，旨在比較捲尾猴和恆河猴與人類的認知安於現狀度（懶惰度）。在告訴你們結果之前，我應該先警告你們，捲尾猴是真正的創新者。他們以能夠想出新穎解決辦法、行為和文化行為而著稱。一些行為，比如戳對方眼睛來測試信任度和友誼可能性，可能沒那麼令人歎為觀止，但也是很前衛新穎的。你可以在Capuchin Traditions上觀看這一影片以及它們的其他“傳統”。

In the Watzek et al. (2019) study, all participants were taught a sequence of steps that led to a reward. After learning this sequence, they were presented with an alternative and significantly more efficient strategy. Immediately, 70 percent of the nonhuman primates (of both species) selected the new approach, compared to only 1 human, or a measly 1.7 percent.

Eventually we humans caught on, right? No. Rather than catching up with our primate cousins, where 100 percent of the individuals integrated the new and more resourceful tactic, 61 percent of humans never used the shortcut. Not even after they watched another human do it in a video! What does this mean? It means that most humans are pretty bad at optimal decision-making. It seems that once we learn something one way, we stick with it even if there is a faster, better, more effective approach. What’s worse, we are highly resistant to change, refusing to adopt innovations that run counter to our existing knowledge. In short, we are incredibly biased.

最終我們人類會逐漸選擇這一新策略，對吧？並非如此。人類參與者並沒有追趕上我們的靈長類表親，最後這些靈長類表親100%納入了這一更高效的全新策略，但有61%的人類始終未採用這一捷徑。即使當他們在影片中看到其他人這樣做了之後也依舊未採用。這意味著什麼？這意味著人類在最優決策制定方面是相當差勁的。彷彿一旦我們習得了某種事物的一種方式，我們就會始終堅守，即使存在更快捷高效的其他方式。更糟糕的是，我們高度抗拒改變，拒絕採納與我們現有認知相違背的創新，簡而言之，我們的偏見根深蒂固到不可思議的程度。

You may be wondering, what’s the big deal? Here's the big deal. Having greater cognitive flexibility confers a significant set of advantages, including being able to acquire and integrate new information rapidly, solve problems more creatively, quickly adjust responses to changing conditions, and inhibit automatic behavior. All of these benefits allow those individuals to outperform others in a variety of circumstances (social, academic, political, business, etc.).

你可能在想，這有什麼大不了？事實是， 擁有更高的認知靈活性，能夠帶來一系列顯著優勢，其中包括能夠迅速習得並納入新資訊、能夠更以富有創意的方式解決問題，能夠針對變化的情形而快速調整反應，能夠抑制自發行為。這些所有優勢都能夠讓一個人在很多情形（社交、學術、政治、商業）中優於其他人。

如何提升認知靈活性

If being cognitively flexible is valuable and the majority of us are falling short in the adaptability department, is there anything we can do about it? Yes. Fortunately, we are not bound by our rigidity and bias, even though the developmental trajectory is somewhat solidified by late childhood or early adolescence. How do we know? Some of this good news comes from rats.

如果認知靈活性如此有價值，且我們大多數人的適應能力都有所欠缺，那麼我們是否能做些什麼呢？是的，很幸運，我們的固執與偏見並非是永遠的桎梏，即使我們的兒童後期與青春期早期在某種程度上強化了我們的成長軌跡。我們是如何知道這一點的呢？其中一些好訊息來自於老鼠。

Rats are truly spectacular, whether it’s displaying an enormous capacity for empathy, friendship, or fairness, there seems to be no end to the lessons we can learn from rats—including how to increase and strengthen the neural basis for cognitive flexibility.

老鼠是很神奇的生物。無論是展示巨大的共情能力、友誼或是公平性。似乎老鼠群體中值得我們學習之處無窮無盡——其中就包括如何增加和強化認知靈活性的神經基礎。

In yet another fascinating study, Crawford et al. (2019) taught rats to drive little cars and the rats, in turn, taught the scientists quite a lot. First, learning a new skill can be stressful. Second, once rats learned the basics, they accepted more challenges, not fewer. Third, after the rats mastered the task, their stress levels went down. Fourth, those rats that had a richer environment with a diverse set of toys and opportunities learned faster and were better drivers. And finally, being a passenger is just as stressful for rats as it is for people!

在另一個有趣的研究中，Crawford等人（2019）教老鼠駕駛一些小車，這些老鼠也教給了這些科學家們很多。首先，學習一項新技能可能會造成很大壓力，其次，一旦老鼠們學習了基本技巧，他們會接受更多挑戰，而不是更少。第三，在老鼠們掌握了這一任務之後，他們的壓力程度下降。第四，環境中擁有更多樣化玩具和機會的老鼠，學習更快，駕駛能力更強。最後，無論是老鼠還是人，作為乘客，都感受到同樣的壓力。

What this and other studies do is clue us in to some key ideas for how to improve cognitive flexibility, ultimately making us more resilient, creative, and confident.

這一研究和其他研究告訴了我們可以如何提升認知靈活性，從而讓我們更堅韌、具有創造性和自信。

1. Do something you know how to do, but do it differently (and often). Have you ever driven home from work and arrived there not quite remembering how you got there? Have you needed to run an errand that would have taken you out of your way and instead ended up at home?We all have routines and they bring us a sense of predictability and even comfort. However, routines can become ruts, diminishing our cognitive abilities. To avoid this, you must shake things up. For driving, that may mean drive home a different way. However, it could easily be other things, like trying new foods, changing the time of day you exercise, even sitting in a new chair. It doesn’t have to be spectacularly different, just different.

1. 選擇一件你知道怎麼做的事情，但換一種方式去做（而且經常這樣做）。你是否曾從公司開車回家，但卻不大記得你是怎麼回的家？你是否曾需要本該半路到其他地方辦一件事，但卻不知不覺一路開車到家？

我們都有一些固定慣例，這些固定慣例帶給我們一種可預測感，甚至安心。但這些固定慣例可能就會變成一成不變的車轍，摧毀著我們的認知能力。為避免這一點，你必須調整、改變。對於開車來說，可能就是選擇另一條路回家。但，也可以是其他事情，比如，嘗試新食物、改變你每天的鍛鍊時間，甚至坐在一把新的椅子中。這些變化無需多麼花裡胡哨，只要是不同，即可。

2. Pursue new challenges and experiences. If rats can learn how to drive, surely we humans can learn how to do something new. It’s even better if you combine mental and physical learning. For example, dancing, martial arts, boxing, and painting all challenge your body and mind to work together to learn a new skill. Alternatively, learn a new language, change jobs, or travel to a new place. Once again, it doesn’t have to be grand and you can combine #1 and #2 easily by discovering a part of your town you aren’t as familiar with and eating in a new restaurant. Be creative.

2. 追尋新的挑戰和體驗。如果老鼠能夠學會開車，當然我們人類也能夠學習新事物。如果你能夠將腦力和肢體學習融合在一起，就更好了。比如，跳舞、武術、拳擊和畫畫能夠挑戰你的身體和大腦共同合作去學習一項新技能。也或者，學習一門新語言，換一個新的工作，或到一個新的地方去旅行。再說一遍，不需要恢弘盛大，你完全可以在你城市中找一個你不熟悉的地方，在一個新餐廳吃飯，這樣上面第一點和第二點就輕易都做到了。開動腦筋！

3. Meet new people. One other place we converge with other species is that we tend to like people that are more like ourselves, birds of a feather and all. However, the research is clear. The more you expose yourself to different people and their views, cultures, and ideas, not only does your cognitive flexibility improve, but also your moral compass on right and wrong. Indeed, those species that exhibit less cognitive bias, also have a much stronger capacity for moral reasoning and fairness. One example, again from rats, is that rats tend to see all other rats as more similar to themselves, while we humans hold tightly to our in-out group tendencies. The answer? Talk to new people, exchange ideas and information, or simply help other people through volunteering.

3. 認識新的人。我們與其他物種相似的另一點，就是我們傾向於喜歡與我們更想象的人，物以類聚，鳥以群分什麼的。但研究結果很明確。你越是去接觸不同的人、不同的觀點、文化和想法，你的認知靈活性不僅會提升，你在是與非方面的道德判斷力也會提升。的確，那些表現出更少認知偏見的物種，在道德推斷與公平方面都有著更高的發展水平。再以老鼠為例，老鼠傾向於將其他所有老鼠都視為與自己相似，而我們人類則緊緊守著我們的內群體外群體偏見。解決辦法？與陌生人交談，交流想法和資訊，或者只是透過做志願者的方式幫助他人。

At the end of the day, sprinkling your life with a few activities designed to challenge you and take you out of your comfort zone will improve your ability to adapt, decrease your anxiety and stress, and broaden your perspective. So go ahead and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Who knows what you will discover.

最終，在生活中納入一些可以挑戰你、可以將你帶出舒適區的活動，將會提升你的適應能力，降低你的焦慮和壓力，拓寬你的視角。大膽向前行，接受“不舒適”，探索神奇未知。

期望管理、從“期望”思維轉為“接受”思維

When looking at the cognitions involved in triggering an anger response, it is often seen that the perception of threat is triggered by the violation of expectations held by the individual. For example, common expectations include ideas about how others should behave, about how one should be treated, and about not being endangered.

如果看憤怒反應背後的思維認知，通常可以發現，當一個人的期望被違背時，就會觸發這個人的威脅感。例如，通常的期望包括其他人該有什麼樣的行為、一個人該受到何種對待、以及不能被置於險境等。

The violation of these expectations then results in a judgmental evaluation, whereby the worth of the perceived source of threat is devalued — even if the individual is not aware of these cognitions. This loss of respect for the source of perceived threat (also known as dehumanizing and demonizing) makes sense in the context of anger.

而當一個人的上述期望被違背，他就會對潛在威脅開展批判，貶低對方的價值——即使他並沒有意識到自己的這一思維流程。這種對潛在威脅失去尊敬（也被稱為去人性化、惡魔化）的情形，在憤怒場景中很是普遍。

Such a cognitive process understandably helps in allowing for the expression of aggressive behaviors towards the perceived source of threat.An adaption of this may also be to devalue the content of any messages conveyed from the perceived source of threat (e.g. they’re a stupid idiot, so what they say must be stupid as well). This can be witnessed in many arguments, whether online or within families. When people become angry with each other they quickly fall into name calling and often ignore any legitimate points raised by the other party. What’s more, these interactions serve to polarize interactions between the parties, and can lead to an escalation of conflict, with both parties only relating to each other through anger. This can then result in resentment and can contribute to vengeance-seeking behaviours.

這種思維流程會使人對潛在威脅表達出攻擊行為，另一種後果則是會使人貶低對方所傳遞的任何資訊內容（如：他們如此愚蠢，他們說的話肯定也是愚蠢的）。上述情形可見諸很多爭論，無論是網上或是現實生活中。當人們對別人感到憤怒時，他們很快就會辱罵對方，而且常常忽視對方提出的任何合理言論。這種互動方式可能會導致雙方分歧極端化，矛盾升級，讓雙方之間只剩下怒火交鋒。接下來可能就會導致怨恨，而且可能會導致報復行為。

In turning to the regulation of anger, the catharsis (venting) theory of anger regulation persists to this day. This was first suggested by Freud, who postulated that acting aggressively purges angry feelings. However, from the first investigations of this theory by Hornberger in 1959, research has shown this to be a myth.

在憤怒調節方面，排解（發洩）理論至今依舊留存。該理論最早由弗洛伊德提出，他認為攻擊型行為能夠滌盪憤怒感。但從1959年Hornberger首次研究這一理論開始，各種調查研究已顯示弗洛伊德的這一理論站不住腳。

In fact the opposite has been repeatedly found. That is, venting has been shown to increase anger and aggression. This is because the venting process acts as a form of negative reinforcement, helping people to feel good in the short term, but increasing their tendency towards anger and aggression in the longer term.Put simply, venting is a method of practicing being angry.

實際上，研究結果卻常常發現相反情形。即，發洩反而會增加憤怒感和攻擊性。這是因為發洩過程實際上是一種負面強化形式，短期內會有助於讓人感覺舒暢，但長期而言卻會增加人的憤怒和攻擊傾向。簡而言之，發洩，是一種練習憤怒的行為方式。

This is not to say that suppression of anger is the answer, as we know that suppressing emotional experiences tends to intensify them as well. But an acknowledgement of the anger episode and doing nothing, in terms of expressing it, has been shown to be more effective than venting (i.e. “I’m feeling angry” vs. “they’re a bloody idiot for doing …”).

這並不就意味著要壓抑憤怒。正如我們所知，壓抑情緒往往會導致情緒的強化。但研究顯示，認可情緒卻不發洩情緒，要比發洩更有效（即：“我現在感到非常生氣”而不是“他們竟然......，真是愚蠢透頂”）。

A focus on respect (i.e. I want to respect you as a flawed human being, while at the same time respecting myself and fostering your respect of me) allows for a more nuanced understanding of the factors contributing to other’s behavior, which allows us to then respond in a more adaptive manner. It also allows for measured defensive behaviors, if required, and is the basis for efforts at truly assertive communication that is respectful of both parties.

如果將側重點集中於“尊重”上面，（即，人無完人，我尊重不完美的你，但同時也尊重自己，並會盡力贏得你的尊重），則會更細微地理解對方行為背後的種種因素，這也就有助於我們採取更良性的反應行為。另外，還有助於我們採取更謹慎剋制的防禦行為（如需要的話），而且這也是“立場堅定、互相尊重型”溝通行為的基礎。

The process required to get to such a position typically involves letting go of one’s expectations. The trick with this is that many of the expectations we hold appear reasonable. The problem here is that expectations are a rigid cognitive process and block understanding and acceptance of issues we don’t like. They are also unrealistic, in that they deny the reality of life.

而要實現這種境界，通常需要“放下期望”。雖然我們所持有的很多期望看起來都是合情合理的，但問題是，期望是一個不易變通的思維流程，會阻礙我們去理解或接受我們不喜歡的事物。而且它們也很不切實際，因此也就否認了現實。

For instance, expecting that others should treat you with respect denies the fact that there are numerous reasons why people may be motivated to act in a manner that you view as disrespectful (e.g. stress, generational differences, cultural differences, being substance affected, mental health issues).

比如，期望一個人充滿敬意地對待你，則否認了這樣一個事實：人們可能會出於無數種原因，採用在你看來對你不敬的方式對待你（例如：壓力、代溝、文化差異、受毒品影響、精神疾病問題等）。

The more adaptive version of the thought is instead stated as a preference or desire that is matched with acceptance (i.e. I would like to be treated with respect but accept that this is not always going to be the case). Typically, this isn’t overly difficult with less important issues or when more distant from a situation but can be much more difficult when we are directly confronted with challenging situations.

Thus, it is important to consider how we relate to our anger, and how we let it influence our decision making. However, if we can also change how we relate to the external world, letting go of our expectations of others, and life more generally, we can reduce the initial experience of anger and the potential for its impact on our decision making in the first place.

因此，思考我們如何應對憤怒、憤怒如何影響我們決策制定，這很重要。但我們也可以改變我們應對外部世界的方式，放下對他人、以及，廣而言之，對人生的期望，這樣我們就會從源頭減少憤怒感，減少它對我們的決策制定可能造成的影響。